SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Chapters Read: 12-17

Man, these are some of the heavier, sort of edgier chapters I've read so far in this re-read and I sort of anticipated it because well, this is a re-read.

But to be frank, I'm feeling a bit emotional lately, which isn't necessarily new, but still. I have a massive life change upcoming, and I suppose it's not even locked in yet which is shocking and annoying but, that's a whole different story. But it's likely happening so yeah. I suppose the fear of it not happening presents a whole new, terrible layer of stress that's really extraordinary. Nevertheless, the bottom line is, there's been a ton of change and difficulties for me in recent weeks. Even in the past several days frankly.

I guess that's why blogging throughout these books in chunks is a bit fascinating for me. I'm not pretending to be robotic here, or even attempting to be some polished proper writer. I have never even tried that and frankly, I don't even know if that actually exists. It's all theatrics. These mini blogs are like a weird book review/life ramble mixture. I enjoy it.

Reading this series again, while dealing with a lot, is a mind-blowing experience. Even if I don't have much going for me, at least I have this completely unique, adrenaline-like feeling.

Current life stress, mixed with a nostalgic story, that's not even as nostalgic as one might assume, because it's been so long since my last read, makes for such an indescribable feeling. I mean, the story is certainly still nostalgic enough, but it's also fresh and new in its own way. I'm digesting this story as a grown adult, with a whole new perspective on life. It's like I'm a whole different person reading this, confronting the old me I still remember. Analyzing how I've changed for better and for worse. Lastly, it's all wrapped up with me feeling the anticipation of a major upcoming life change, no matter how I slice it.

It's heavy and not entirely pleasant.

These chapters are filled with spooky gloom. Darren is faced with imminent danger at pretty much every angle. The only somewhat bright spots are him reuniting with Debbie and Vancha. Alice too. But maybe it's my own personal life, or maybe it's the book itself, but it doesn't quite hit the same in terms of jolly rejoicing. I also know what's coming next so there's that...

Darren is set to face a foe in Steve where, even if he wins, he loses. Even if he wins, he becomes Lord of the Shadows. If he loses, Steve does. Darren lost Mr. Crepsley, and to end this chunk of chapters, he lost Mr. Tall. The Cirque is being attacked. Steve has more sinister plans up his sleeve.

Darren is becoming a full vampire at the worst time which gives him unpredictable symptoms of sensitivity and just powerful body changes in general.

I suppose him becoming a vampire now, is actually rather beautiful, knowing what's coming up for Darren soon. I may touch on that in another post.

I mean, Darren is currently on a path where nothing is ever going to be the same. (Again SPOILERS!!!!!) He's literally going to die.

I suppose, that's the harsh, bitter lesson in all of this. Death takes us all. While rather grim, it's brutally honest. In a way, there's a disturbing beauty in that. I mean, since it's inevitable, it's sort of mandatory to leave a positive mark.

Once again, the effortless wisdom shines through in this series. I'll be honest, it's late at night, I'm tired, and as I've said about 279 times, highly stressed. So maybe I'm in a state of mind where this feels extra profound. I'm having fun with it. It's beautiful art. Also, who am I kidding, I love 'Cirque Du Freak'.

Death is a paradox like that. I mean, it's devastating, and not a good time. But as I said it's a universal certainty. It feels like there's a mission there. This book almost makes it seem like there's a reason. A lot of us wonder why there's life and death, and reading Cirque Du Freak feels like a cosmic smack in the face. It's honestly pretty brutal.

I'm reminded of what Mr. Crepsley said about Steve in book nine, how people like Steve may exist to test the rest of the world. Steve unintentionally makes a really awful point by proving that he could push Darren to near madness. In the same way, if I remember correctly, Steve has a moment of sanity and clarity in his dying moments in the final book. Before Darren ultimately provokes him.

I don't know dude. All I know is, things are feeling final, dire, and fairly morbid at the moment. This series was as edgy as I remember.

I do appreciate that Mr. Tall has his own main character moment in these chapters. I feel as though Mr. Tall shines in this book as a whole more than ever. He's a much cooler character than I remembered, and I always liked him.

Yeah, I'm tired. I need to hurry up reading this series, for various reasons.

The last part of book eleven coming up...