Brick Wall
I have felt like an invisible burden, trying to talk to a brick wall my entire life.
I have had some neat extras in my life. Desserts, and sweets if you will. But one cannot survive on this type of nutrition. I've never had a real meal, in terms of basic normality. I have always wished for a normal life man.
I was born in 1995. Raised by a single mom after my father 'accidentally' killed himself just a few weeks before my second birthday. Many of my earliest memories are of my mother fighting, cursing and carrying on with my older brother and older sister. I was the youngest by far in the family.
Oh yeah, the babies have it easiest right hahahahaha.
Watching my family go to absolute war growing up, I developed a sort of serious defensiveness toward my own mother. Probably not too great ya know. Very confusing and stressful.
My mom's mental health wasn't really the greatest from what I can tell. Heaven forbid I judge her, she of course had many challenges herself. But man it was rough. Her abuse and intensity rubbed off on my siblings and myself and everything. I was raised by my sister for awhile and stuff like that since my mom worked. Also my elderly babysitter who was a grandma like figure in my life for the early portion of my childhood.
My sister often acts as the savior towards me, conveniently forgetting how rough she was with me. She would try to throw me down the stairs, yell at me etc. One time she had a big ass kitchen knife and like pressed it to her tummy and asked me if I ever thought of doing this. I was like six or seven. I remember being very scared and confused.
My brother was kicked out by my mom at a young age, and then my sister. They did not leave quietly of course. Always a massive war.
Them leaving was sort of pretty scary and weird.
For the next five-six years it was just my mother and I. There were some good times I guess. My mom would often try to like buy things for me. Like summer camps, sports teams and even two trips to Alaska and Australia. Of course I am grateful for these things.
My mom worked hard I guess. At the same time, I believe she did these things to make up for my dad dying or something. My mom was fiercely independent and prideful. She would say how she is playing both roles of mom and dad, many times insinuating she does not need men in her life.
My mom frequently expressed her hate for her father and her first man who she had my brother and sister with. Meanwhile I had no idea she was getting checks from the government due to my father dying. So even from the grave, my father was helping provide for me in a way. So I can't help but find it hypocritical or selfish that she would like act like it was all her helping me do those fun things. My mom never mentioned this money she received for many years. In general, she never spoke highly of my dad either so it was all very strange and kind of annoying to me.
In addition, to this day my entire family thinks I had it easiest or something. I find this hilarious. Both my siblings claim my mom was some wicked witch, while simultaneously suggesting I have zero room to say I had it hard in any way shape or form.
Now, I do think it's shallow we sort of compete to see who had it the worst, but this is the reality to an extent.
I also can't help but wonder if the cool things my mom had me do were somewhat used against me and for her benefit. Make herself look like this shiny awesome power mom.
But behind closed doors, this was a different story. Like I said, my mom did provide me with some surface level sweets, but I can't say I have ever felt genuine love from my mom. Honestly, maybe there is some ungratefulness on my part. But then again my mom drilled in my head to never be ungrateful despite well, anything else she did.
My mom and I had some vicious fights for a lot of those years while it was just me and her. We fought so much that it led to us actually not talking for a whole entire calendar year. Literally a silent house with zero communication. It was weird and depressing, but it was just what it was.
At one point, during a fight she ran into the bathroom, I heard the rattle of pills and I did see what was going on. She had a proper handful of pills, Tylenol I believe, in her hand ready to stuff them in her mouth. I looked at her and said like, what are you doing. She paused for awhile in that moment and eventually like, put her hand down.
Obviously I was not always an angel of a son. But yeah, this shit screwed me up. Both my mom and my sister sorta attempted or played with suicide while my dad pretty much did kill himself. My dad died from a mixture of heart medication and alcohol. Of course it could have been accidental but I guess I'll never know.
After a few years, my family attempted to reconnect thanks to Facebook. I remember distinctly feeling like a stranger to them, but it was sort of nice to re-meet my sister and some other family. From about 10-15 I had not spoken to them at all. My mom kept me from everyone.
Upon reconnecting with my siblings it was odd to see that they sort of babied and just claimed how hard they had it with mom. In particular my sister. They acted like my sister was some sort of war veteran they had to be protected and saved from all that trauma she went through. Meanwhile, they sort of acted like my mom became this sane angel with me that treated me soooo differently than my other siblings.
This pissed me off and continues to piss me off.
My sister can literally speak another language due to our babysitter. She basically had a whole set of other parents through them. She also had really good friends that were there for her.
My big brother I feel may have had it worse than her. He went through my mom's divorce as a young kid and actually got held back in third grade due to all the drama and stress. Then, my dad died later in life and that really messed him up.
But even with my bro, he did at least have the memories and influence of my dad. And my bro was super popular and had lots of friends.
Look, I know it's pretty shallow and nasty I'm comparing traumas, but frankly oh fucking well. I am going there.
I had literally fucking nobody. Nobody. At all. I was never able to make real friends or anything.
Of course, I've been to Alaska and Australia, so that makes it all better!!! Yay!!!
I remember distinctly asking my mom to chill with the extras also. I was always busy doing shit. I really wanted to just like, do nothing at times. I was pushed to have good grades, be grateful. My mom thought I was nuts and ungrateful for not wanting to do all this extra shit.
I did wrestling, track and field, football, then I did this summer shit. I just wanted to like, go to school, do more normal things. And not be busy constantly.
In high school I had zero friends. I would just read in class and ignore my schoolwork. Truly read to escape my bullshit life of fighting or sheer silence in my homelife. Dropped out in the middle of eleventh grade. Moved with my sister who wanted to like be a savior or some shit.
Funny how my sister wanted to save me from my evil mom, but also reject that I had any real trauma or issues.
My one 'best' friend growing up was actually a girl also, and nowadays she is a man hating lesbian feminist.
My sister is also a man hating lesbian as well.
I have no problem with them being gay. My point is simply that I was raised by and surrounded my women my entire life and pretty much every single one of them claim to love me, but also claim how horrible men are.
Pardon me if this is not confusing as hell.
I always figured that I might have a decent understanding of both sexes due to these reasons, but it turns out I kind of know nothing.
I was a fairly gifted male athlete, but I was also a pretty emotionally sensitive kid. Navigating sports with kids that have two parents was tough and a real culture shock for me.
I remember resenting male machismo or confidence because well, I simply did not understand it. I had zero experience with any type of father. Just clueless.
Even my grandma tried to come at my neck about 'not many kids got to experience the things you did'. MORE of that I should be grateful shit.
Yeah grandma, not many kids experienced two women basically attempting suicide in front of me. Not many kids were raised by an emotionally unstable single Greek woman. Yeah lucky fucking me.
Now as an adult, I am more lost than ever.
Society does not exactly embrace a man with the sensitivity of a woman.
I probably forgot a lot of things, but yeah man. I'm mentally truly fucked. I wanted to get this out there because I really don't know what these next few weeks are gonna be for me.
If it was not for my son, I'd be gone man. This life is shit.
Right now I just feel empty as shit. My brain feels like a void of blackness. I have isolated myself completely. Deleted mainstream socials, I am done with my family man.
I think I'm forgetting shit but yeah, I'll shit post anything else I forgot later.
Maybe I should be putting my faith in God, and stay strong. But right now I'm virtually broke. Landlord on my ass. Rent is gonna be late as fuck once again.
Damn man. I think I might just be a victim of natural selection. A man as weak as myself, probably should not even exist. Holy shit.