6/22/25 - Down The Drain

I have had more than a handful of outburst/ranty type blogs in the past here in my eight years of posting on the chain. Wow eight years. Pretty crazy. I may not be the most talented blogger, but I am pretty loyal/consistent overall. Eight freaking years man. Life has really been a rollercoaster in those eight years. It feels a lot like twenty.

But yeah, today I feel like ranting about depression and frankly how insanely terrible it is. Many times in these posts, I sort of just descend into vague self-pity, this time I plan on talking about depression directly because why not? Even in my head when I think about how rough my mental state can be I rarely think 'I'm depressed'. I don't think I need a shrink to tell me that I'm depressed at this point. Frankly, it would be hilarious if I wasn't hahaha because if I'm not then I don't know what to call this.

But yeah, in my head I tend to avoid thinking how I'm depressed even though I definitely know that I am. I think J.K. Rowling's Dementors is a profoundly interesting way to like, capture depression artistically.

But when I think of depression, I sort of just picture a drain. Like an old fashioned sort of shower drain. Not even really super dirty either, just mildly dirty, and old. Something about drains, is just super depressing to me. Funny thing is, when you're showering, showers often feel nice, but right under foot, is the drain. I don't know if this even makes sense.

Depression sort of feels like, a constant state of queasiness. And numbness. There's two nights I can recall that really amplified these depressive feelings. I was a teenager, fighting with my mother, never meeting her standards. I just swore to just stop caring. Then when I was barely 17, the night I moved out of my mom's house and into my sister's in the city. Staring at the ceiling. I felt the tears come, and forced them back by sheer force of will. This is interesting because, I really am not the type to even hold back tears much of the time. I'm like 50/50 I guess. But that night I refused to.

I perhaps stupidly did the 23andMe thing years ago. Now there's gonna be some handcrafted virus that will be created to get me huh? LOL. I do have other theories too about this DNA I gave to some company and how it relates to society these days, but that's a rabbit hole for another day.

I looked at my raw data and with the help of AI I learned some wildly wild things about me, and like, it wasn't pretty. It was pretty dang humbling, alarming, and well... depressing. It is so eerie that this depression I've felt for most of my life as a whole, is connected to genetics. It is truly so strange I struggle to believe it. Depression is not always just like, from my own stupidity. It's literally engrained in me. It's like a pest.

But yeah, this is just a post to rant. Because well, I can.

I don't want to be depressed forever. I don't want to just give in to it even if my genetics suggest I'm likely to feel this way. These genetics are just a tendency/likelihood. I'm stubborn enough to try and break free of it anyway LOL.

But yeah. I also sorta thought depression was like, fake news and I was just weak. Well, I am weak in a lot of ways but that hopefully gives me the chance to become strong.

I hope I can be strong because life keeps throwing me ridiculous curve balls. It's relentless.

Hive on folks.