3/25/25
Sometimes it amazes me that I've ever only had one panic attack ever, like 8 years ago now and I've never had one since. I don't even know what triggered that first one, but it was awful. Felt like an immovable 50 pound rock was sitting directly in the center of my chest that I couldn't move. I simply had this overwhelming certainty that death was imminent. Could not breathe correctly or walk correctly. I suppose that it was a panic attack, it lasted like 10 minutes and I always assumed it was that. I wonder if I ever really recovered from that or why it happened or well, anything about it. It's a fairly unique moment in my life that I really don't have an explanation for. I would have guessed that I'd have more but, nope, just that singular attack. I wonder if instead of like, a condensed moment of sheer panic, my body has sort of transformed my panic attack into like, hours long fits of borderline panic and overthinking. Just frozen.
I seem to live my life in a constant gray area of emotion. The instant, like the literal instant I feel good about well, anything, I imagine how this new good thing will be torn from my grasp. I assume that tragedy or bad news is always around the corner. I want to imagine good things. I want to envision a good life. I just don't know if I really deserve a good life all the time. But I think I do. Why don't I? I've made so many awful mistakes that it makes me pretty sick to my stomach. I really hope I'm done making mistakes. I wonder sometimes how I'll be once I reach my goals. Will I still be worried? Will I still be nervous?
My answer when it comes to times like this is to just sleep it off. It works like 1/4th of the time. I think I'm on the right path. I just feel dumb for thinking that in many ways. I work and strive for the exact goal I believe I'm reaching but, I think I'm just lying to myself? But maybe I'm not lying to myself. Yeah, this is a much needed throw back rant I used to make a few years back. Not like I don't need to rant, I just haven't LOL.
I've watched a few podcasts lately. I know many people out there think it's weird to watch/listen to podcasts. I dunno. Seems like AM radio to me. People thought that died, but turns out it's simply moved to podcasters and streamers. Funny how that works. I'm sitting here blogging (if you even want to call this a blog LOL) in 2025, so yeah. I don't really have many real friends these days. Mostly just online junk. My son, and a handful of other people but I can't say I actively talk to many humans, ever. Listening to podcasts may be weird to some but, soon there'll probably be AI podcasts or AI friends etc.
Weird times I tell ya. Once AI, VR, video games, and who knows what else, all combine into one invention this world may really be wickedly weird in many ways. Yikes.
Yeah I don't know man. I feel worried and stressed as always. This is my life though, I may as well give it a shot. Maybe life is just life and I make it more complicated an scary than it is.